regarding heroes

the result of a lot of years ends up in a list.

89 years of living life to arguably the fullest possible extent is written into a page. an entire existence, summed up in four paragraphs.

if i'm half the person he was, i hope to deserve a quarter of his page.

my family is humble. we're not loud about our accomplishments, none of us ever has been. we handle things with a certain grace and dignity. that was learned from him.

in 89 years, i never knew he worked on the apollo 13 rescue.
in 89 years, i never knew how significant his patents were.
in 89 years, i never knew about his involvement in his community.

because he never bragged. he was never vocal about all that he had done. he was a quiet, wonderful man. he left his work away from us all. he left his stories and adventures for appropriate times. he never made our times about his times, until we begged for him to. he never told us stories about him, until we pleaded with him to hear them.

but i did know he liked orange juice in the mornings. and cereal.
i did know that he liked to kiss my left cheek goodnight, and his kisses were always warm.
i did know that he read, voraciously, constantly.

because he was there. because my family is close. i saw him in the mornings, i saw him at night because we made the time to be together. i knew who he was because he gave us the opportunity to know him.

in 89 years, i knew his children. i knew what a man was capable of molding when he put forth the effort. i knew the magic behind physics. i knew how to figure out the angle and measurements of toy buildings. i knew things about space, i knew things about the earth, i knew things about people.

in 89 years i heard about adventure, and life, and thought, and science, and love. i heard about hijinks and bravery and courage and family. i heard about one man's adventures, and his impact on those around him. i heard his humour, his wit, and his intelligence in everything he did. i saw his loyalty and love.

because in 89 years, he lived. he lived more than anyone i've ever known.

my grandpa.

regarding machinery

understanding makes all the difference.

i work at an amazing job. a place where i am a valued member of a team, where my ideas are heard and put in to action, where the people i work with treat me as an equal and not a lesser. i work at a place where everyone is really good at being a human first and an employee/employer second. my job is stressful, and intense, i have a lot of responsobility and i enjoy it. but i enjoy the people i work with more than the job itself.

there are few if any office politics. people smile, and ask how others are doing. i am invited to lunch with the boss on a regular basis, i have a standing meeting every tuesday with everyone from the office and my ideas are generally welcomed and acted on in meetings. i am valued and appreciated as a functioning cog in the team, not a part off to the side.

so when i can't focus due to a personal crisis, when i sit dazed and confused, trying to work and trying to be aware and involved in what is going on with my family, my boss says "you're doing an amazing job here. if you need a day, feel free to take it. if you need a week feel free to take it."

sometimes, people are good.
i'm just glad i found the good ones to work for.

regarding mining

the busier i am the more i find myself enjoying things.

even the simplest things. a breeze, a hot, delicious cup of coffee. a nap. working as much as i have been, laying on the couch and drifting off has never been such a valuable commodity.

and i love it. i love coming home and being exhausted, i love coming from work and being stressed and working hard, i love planning out free time so i can make use of it. this is the perfect environment for me, this work work work work. it feels good, right, comfortable.

and never before have i valued my friends understanding so much. with work, i am stressed. i come home from a long day of dealing with people's complaints, and researching, and consulting on projects, and i get home and the people there understand that i need time to relax and not think. for half an hour, they let me have my peace to stop thinking about the projects i've spent the day on.

and it reminds me of how incredible people can be. of how they can pick up on subtle cues, on thoughts, even when no one articulates them. of how a sigh can mean so much more, a yawn can be indicitive of an extreme emotion, silence can speak volumes. and we pick up and interpret these actions, and more often than not can realize their deeper meaning.

we all rely on people. some more than others, and a lot of the time for different things. but i am finding the simplest things can mean the most. a smile, a simple "have a good day", relinquishing the remote for a half an hour so someone can veg out.

i sometimes forget how significant the people around me are to my overall self. as a favourite writer once wrote, people are "the combined efforts of everyone [they] know". and it's true.

friends can be rocks.
and not just in the "granite" sense of the word.

i have people in my life who constantly support me. unflinchingly, unquestioningly, in a "who do you need killed" sort of way. friends who would rage and fight for me, friend who would hold me while i screamed and kicked at them to let me go. but i also have friends who would perform random acts of intense caring, who would pick me up on a hot day so i don't die riding my bike home. friends who will get me a glass of water when they see me melting in the soaring heat. i have friends who will quietly sit next to me, just being there so i'm not alone.

my point is, friends are just like people. only more special. just because someone is not loud in their friendship does not mean they are any less important. just because a friend is calm and only there when you need them to be, does not make that person any less there. part of being a human is being unique, and being a better you than anyone else could be. and never have i valued that people will care in the way they see best, that people will be there for you in their own personal way, as i do in times of exhaustion.

i guess i'm trying to thank you. all of you. for the quiet company, the angry words, the rants on my behalf. for the hug when i needed it, and the unasked for icecream sandwhich. for a ride in the heat, for a laugh amidst the tears. thank you for all being exactly who you are.

pretty special people.

regarding performance

sometimes i'm good at acting.

i acted for years around people so i have a lot of practice.

surprisingly, the people who should recognize when i'm acting, don't.

i guess that makes me successful.

this sucks.

regarding the alphabet

there are conversations that have too much power.

simple words can make your throat clench, your eyes water, your lungs stop working. misunderstandings can result in pain, heartache, misery. arguments can end in hurt feelings, in confusion. someones simple thoughts can cause hours of tears and wondering, when put into words.

other speeches can make your heart soar, your mind race, your body vibrate with excitement. someones kind compliment can send you in to waves of giddy giggles, into smiles, into pure joy. a well placed word can turn someones day around, can change a persons life.

but they are just words.

i'm a person who thrives on words. on thought, speech, lists, thinking. i'm not a doer. i will worry, and send myself into anxiety ridden downward spirals at someones joke. one wrong word and i can lead my thoughts down dark and twisted paths of self doubt and terror. the lack of words can do the same thing to my mind.

conversely, a single good word can send my thoughts soaring. my mind will bend and manipulate the most innocent compliment into a profession of emotion, a thoughtless pun becomes my dreams and goals.

and i'm quick. it's something i've taught myself and learned from others. i'm witty, and sarcastic, and i have a mean streak in me with a lot of potential. so i can spin words knowing they'll have a certain effect. i can make statements that cut people, twist words into biting remarks that leave people questioning and unsure. i can force others to be positive, be cheerful, accept their own greatness. but i also have within me the ability to make people doubt, and question and fear.

it's not the best way to live, but it's a way i've lived for so long it's hard to break the habit. it's hard to stop myself from jumping to conclusions, assuming the worst, over reacting. i have a long history of experience to draw from, and it's been years forming my thought patterns and ideas. i'm trying to learn, trying to change, but i know that it's going to take longer than i expect; longer than i want.

so i wait, and i try, and i learn.
and sometimes, the words don't hit me as hard.

sometimes, i accept them as just words.

regarding continents

simple things impress me.

technology and how far humanity has brought it, nature and how much we have manipulated it, people and how influential they can be. in the grand scheme of things, the universe, multiple galaxies scheme of things, our entire human history is nothing. we've changed and evolved and grown so much, affected so much on our own planet, but when thinking about things at an eternal level, humanity is but a blip on that timeline.

i am a person easily effected by others. daily occurences, misunderstandings, jokes, statements, it all seems to influence me. and i paused a moment today to consider the chinese theory. my brother explained this as "no matter what happens to you, good or bad, there are approximately a billion chinese people who have no idea you even exist". while considering this i ran with the idea, to "holy crap, i'm completely insignificant". and in a way, that's very freeing.

just think of all the pain and suffering we perpetuate as humans. the mis-understood comment that caused anguish and depression; the punch which broke someones nose; years of intentional pain and wars and struggle. all of it is really just a speck in terms of the universal timeline.

theres something comforting in knowing that i can sturggle and work and change the world and it will still continue on after me. we as a species could destroy our planet, and every living thing on it, and the galaxies and stars and planets will still go on spinning as they always have.

and yet still, people consider themselves before others. it's natural to worry about the needs of yourself and those you love before those of the collective. it's human nature to want safety and happiness for yourself and those you're close to.

even thinking about the chinese theory, i know i personally will continue on as i always have. because it's not the world or the universes opinion that dictates my thoughts and actions. it's my own. and i know i can do better, i know i want to push myself farther and harder to make myself proud. i know i personally don't want to cause people harm, or ruin the lives of those around me.

and really, why consider the opinion of a billion people before the opinion of myself?

i want to experience things, travel, see things i've never seen before. i want to learn, to study hard and be amazed by the world around me. i want to speak and write eloquently and with conviciton. i want to have friends and family i trust and value, i want to be happy.

i am proud of who i am becoming.
and i don't care if a billion chinese people never know how or that i lived.
the point is, i want to know i did.

regarding smallness

growing up can be strange.

maturing and gaining responsibilities in your life is sometimes a frightening experience. it consistently shocks me when i realize how old i am. i think about my ten year old self. the young girl who thought that 16 was the be all and end all of life. that no matter what, 16 was the start of adulthood, was the touchstone for a new and better place. and then i was sixteen. and realized that fuck no, it was not at all adulthood, but 18 probably would be.

and now i am 20. and it is getting harder and harder to justify that my adult life is still on the horizon.

i am growing up, maturing, blossoming into the person i want to be. i plan things in advance, think about my life in the future. i am being more and more responsible with myself and my choices. i work, full time, and a part-time job to stay afloat. i go to bed at a reasonable hour, i save and invest in my future, i pay for my tuition.

people rush into aging. as a child, most people want to grow up, be big, age and become an adult. setting the rules for yourself looks amazing from the height of four feet; controlling what you eat, do and when you go to sleep seems like the most perfect thing to a young child. and as you grow, new responsibilities are added to your life. you have homework, then a job, then a school and rent, then possibly another person, then more people you are in charge of. and suddenly, eating what someone else tells you is "good for you" doesn't seem like such a bad option. having to go to bed at 7:30 on a school night seems like a good plan as you work on the 9th essay you have due in a month at 4 in the morning. someone to look after you and take care of you and make sure your safe seems like a pretty great way to live.

hindsight is 20/20, and looking back it's hard to remember what was so awful about having the responsibilities of a child. yes children can be mean, and some people where tortured by others as children. cuts and scrapes and the harsh words of peers can fog the bliss that was childhood for many. but when you think about it, it's hard to really consider a life of school, sleep and friends as so difficult when you suddenly need to grow up.

i know i'm not completely independent and worldly. i've never been to far flung countries, seen the other ocean, spoken to someone who valued clean water as gold. i still have a lot of growing up to do. but i also know that i look around at friends and peers my age who have nothing together. and i feel glad for my neurosis, proud of my obsession with planning and lists. because i know what i want to do and what i need to do to get there.

the experiences in my life have shaped me irrevocably into the person i am today. i crave approval like oxygen, respond harshly to criticism; i plan plan plan and panic when those plans don't work out to the letter. i shut myself off from the world when i am dealing with problems, i don't like to cry in front of people. i list things out all the time, even my own attributes and character flaws for the world to see. and i'm learning how to talk, to open up, to speak my mind. i made a vow to myself years ago that i would never stand quietly while the world went by. i would yell, scream, speak out about what was happening to me.

and as i grow up, i'm realizing and learning how to do that.
and spending my money on a megaphone.

regarding the circulatory system

i've travelled far to get here. a long, winding path to get to the point i'm at currently. but i know i have a long way to go to be where i want to be.

home is where the heart is. should i set up my tent in my ribcage? or focus on the blood pumping in my wrists and neck... and what if i left my heart in san francisco? and what of when my heart skips a beat? or when the heart is indecisive and jumps around from person to person. am i nomadic?

i can't think straight when i can't sleep, and it's hard to sleep without you here.

there is no rule book for how to survive. there are no guidelines, no road map for what the next step is. i make lists. compulsively, i list out "things i need to do" "people i need to re-connect with" "pairs of socks by colour" "places i can go to in a snow emergency". stupid lists, but i need order, i crave a clearly defined set of rules, guidelines, whatever to be able to better comprehend things. the hardest part for me, bar none, has been what happens next. because i can't list it out, i can't map out where i will be in a year, in a month, in a day, in an hour. i just have to hold on and struggle, strive to be where i WANT to be, who i WANT to be in that time. the hardest thing is accepting that i have to make the choices. and sometimes, that means asking for help; sometimes that means taking four steps back to take one on the right path. sometimes it means completely turning around to find out i was where i wanted to be fifteen steps back, and how do i get there again? sometimes it means saying "i'm over it". sometimes it means striving to mean it.

i just wonder why. that's the root of humanity's problem right there. we question. everything. nothing can be taken at face value, we never accept the extraordinary, we run and fight and argue until the extraordinary is plain and simply defined.

i wish i was different. more flexible and accepting of the faults in myself and others. more understanding of the world as a whole. more easy-going and laid back. i wish i could be less strict and ordered. i wish i could survive without definition. but i can't. and while a part of me resents my need for order, a part of me loves it. that part of me that hopes to be the person you see in me. the person you love. the person you want around. i know i can be better, but there's a part of me that is happy right where i am, if the person you see now is a person you want to be around.

we all fight our own expectations of things. the world, people, ourselves. it's human nature i think to rebel against our limits, to push until we break through our barriers and come out the other side, past what we thought was the possible. some people are content to sit at the line of their abilities, to accept the status quo and love their own personal limit. some people are happy to push and set the bar higher and higher than they know they are capable of reaching. some people set no bar.

i want to be that person who stops expecting things to turn out a specific way. i crave chaos and spontaneity and disorder. and when met with it, i am terrified and demand structure. you see a side of me and make me meet the things i'm scared of. you hold my hand through the dark and the parts i hate about myself and force me to deal with it another way. i miss you being there to constantly ruin my schedule and order, to force me to be more easy-going. part of what i love about you is your ability to bring out a better me. how selfish does that sound...and yet it's true. you're very nature, everything about you is undefinable. and i love it. i can't understand how or why, i just know it.

maybe thats the very idea of love though. maybe we are supposed to find the person we can't understand because it make it that much more magical and confusing and horrible and wonderful all at the same time when we need to adapt our very definitions to try to understand another. maybe the people we're going to be happiest with are the people who inspire us to stop setting expectations for others and start loving the confusion.

and i may not understand. i may never understand. i just know, if home is really where the heart is, i want to be home with you.

regarding sailing

people can help you.

doctors, surgeons, lawyers; these people can save your life, your very existence. and they have studied, and worked, and tried so hard to get to a point that they can spend the rest of their lives helping others. they have spent countless hours laying awake at night working, worrying, struggling to reach the point they are at now. it takes a special kind of person to do something so time consuming and stressful on a day to day basis. waking up and being responsible for someone's life, that takes effort.

but what about the rest of us? it dawned on me today how much we as humans rely on interaction. maybe there's only one person, maybe there is a network, but we throw our selves on the mercy of other people. instead of thinking we can love ourselves, we search for someone to loves us and to love in return. instead of smiling, laughing, we seek ways to entertain ourselves, we hunt for something to cause joy.

and some people, we rely on to save us. we hold at them, clutch them, climb and fight to stay near them in times of need. some people we run to crying, we yell at, in an attempt to save ourselves from pain, from heartache, from reality.

and it must be stressful. it must be hard to wake up and know that someone loves you, wants you, needs you. it must be trying to be someone's entire support system.

i try hard not to sink. i buy water-wings, and take lessons in an attempt to keep myself afloat. sometimes, i get hit by a tide that knocks me under. and when i do, i hate accepting a life raft. i struggle and kick against the current on my own, even when i get sucked deeper.

i spent years and years getting pulled to the very bottom of the sea, refusing the hands that were offered until i eventually got so deep i couldn't see them. i became a creature of the dark, yet fooled everyone who saw me into thinking i was swimming fine.

i have learned. i know that no one can stay afloat forever. i know, deep down, that at times the current will sweep you away if you don't have an anchor. and sometimes, it's good to have a million anchors keeping you solid in a storm. i know that the waves will get so rocky you need to hold on to a boat, any boat, just long enough to see yourself through the storm.

i heard somewhere once that no one should ever be ashamed to cry; from the very beginning it has been a sign that you are alive. and yet i still turn away, i still scrape furiously at the emotion which can come from me. i still refuse to let people see me down.

and i am trying. i am forcing myself to hold onto you through this, though i know it is unfair to you. i am forcing myself to be open and let it out, though i know deep down that is probably not what you want.

people need to be human. and i am trying to be better at it.

regarding giraffes

sometimes i feel like an exception.

not exceptional, but an exception. the rules do not define me, i am not an easy read, this is not like riding a bicycle. most people get tired of it quickly.

i often wonder why. people are not simple. humanity as a whole is a vast and confusing group. we love, yet fight. we preach, yet judge. our values are an ever changing, constantly circumstantial set of morals. someone once told me humanity is the exception to every animal law. does that make me less human?

people can surprise you. a man you have known your entire life can turn into someone unrecognizable through their actions. a woman, a mother can turn her back on her own child. an infant can learn to read.

and sometimes, people can follow a pattern. people can become predictable. the man you love can continue to be the same person you fell in love with. the woman you live next door to can continue to live next door to you as she always has. and that predictability can be safe.

"i love you" he says. "you're most beautiful when you smile, but you're beautiful when you worry, or when you're sad"

emotions will happen. it's a guarantee that something in life will be un-planned. chaos theory dictates it. murphys law, everything dedicated to the study of predictability says "guess what? we know jack-shit".

but i think that's the trick. the only thing predictable is un-predictability.

we as a species rock. we are capable of intense emotions, empathy, love, malice, pride. our bodies are built with such finesse, such incomprehensible structure. and yet we still fail. a lot. in fact, there is yet to be a human on the planet you doesn't succumb to their body's weaknesses at some point. such strength and perfection contained in something so weak and perfect.

i have an appreciation for bones. any kind of bone, but human bones in particular. rib cages specifically, and the vertebrae of the backbone. there is nothing like us on the planet. and yet everything like us on the planet. humans are so unique, yet so so common. our structures are the most confusingly beautiful example of how not to operate, and yet we share dna as everything else on the planet.

there is no perfect line in nature. no straight point, no perfect curve, no smooth, unbroken, 90 degree angles. yet everything follows a golden ratio and can be compared to everything else.

and even that perfection is unpredictable.

i guess what i'm trying to understand is the massive contradiction of humanity and the world in general. no, understand is the wrong word.

love.

regarding citrus

there is an old saying that goes something along the lines of "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade"

i have no idea where i'm going with this, but that thought has been running through my head all day.

hard work sucks. it's called hard for a reason. while university is not that difficult if you know what your doing, the thing that kills everyone is time management. i have said often that my tuition doesn't teach me anything except how to better schedule.

because education is re-learning things. over and over and over again until it sticks. yes, you will be exposed to new and glorious things at a school that you have never learned. and yes, it's true that people find themselves and learn more about who they are as people. but the only lessons of any value that any school has taught me is how to communicate and that spitting on people is frowned on.

and then university, where i had to completely re-learn how to learn and how to manage my time. i was forced into scheduling, into planning ahead, into giving myself ample time to complete assignments. and i sucked at it.

it was a huge blow to my ego, after coming from such a small town where i coasted through doing nothing and managing high grades. suddenly, the things i was learning where the exact same, but the level i was expected to perform at was heightened. instead of a 3 page paper i could write out in a few hours, i was expected to research for a ten page monster. due in a week.

and then i got better. i slowly learned how to manage my wants and needs and school work, i began to realize i could survive and even overcome the challenges of time management.

and i found an ugly side to myself i didn't know i had. a judgmental, mean, snide little nugget of myself which suddenly reared it's ugly head. "if i can do this, why can't other people?" and suddenly, i found myself thinking i was superior and better than the people around me for not staying up until 5 in the morning to finish a paper.

this year has changed me. i have become more independent than i realized i could be. i have forced myself to be more accepting of the flaws in myself and in others. i have realized that i have a problem with organization and i can not always articulate my feelings well. i still snap on people, i still get too snarky from time to time. and a lot of the time, i bottle up what's upsetting me; move on, move through it until it is no longer an issue.

and maybe that's what my tuition is really going towards. maybe the goal isn't to learn things, but to learn more about who you are. maybe university is just a really expensive, lengthy therapy session designed to through our weaknesses in our face and flaunt them for the world to see. instead of worrying about the information i am actually receiving, 90% of my time is spent on the work and worrying about whether my thoughts and actions regarding classes will be well received.

if that's truly the case? i think i want my money back.

because i know a guy down the street who will tell you exactly who you are for about $50.

regarding felines

sometimes curiosity is hard. it keeps you up at night and can have you questioning things you would otherwise ignore.

we're told from a young age to not ask questions, to look before we leap, that curiosity killed the cat. and i wonder how much of that is meant to deter us, and how much of it is meant to make us rebel.

as a child, i was a rule follower. i asked nicely for permission to do things, i said please and thank you. but i was one curious little person. instead of ever answering my inane questions with platitudes and simple stories, my father would take the time to explain things in great detail in the hope that i would remember it.

i clearly remember being a child and sitting on the dock listening to my dad describe the intricacies of an outboard boat motor versus and inboard-outboard.

however, we grow up. and as often as our parents are our guide for life as children, they drift away from us. the older we get, the more independent we try to be. the more we call our families less for the answers and more for their stories. the more we want less technical explanations.

living away from home, i have done my best to make my own family. as callous as it sounds, i have searched, spoken to and selected specific people who i want around me. it took me a long long time to realize that my curiosity could be satiated by the people i wanted around and not the people who knew what i was looking for. it took me a long time to realize that just because someone wants you around, does not mean you have to be there.

and perhaps i've been quick to judge. i will admit that i often jump to conclusions and see too much black and white. in my mind, shades of grey are a sign of indecisiveness and a lack of commitment.

but then, every once in a while these snap judgments force an amazing interaction with someone i would otherwise avoid.

i think humanity is meant to experience a wide range of things. i think that pain and suffering is probably the most important thing. while each person will suffer through different things, the universal emotion of pain or sorrow is something which hits people very commonly. it's almost a unifier.

but the pain can be so intense that at times, we wonder when it will stop, will end, will let up for long enough to breathe. we fight our way through what can seem unending. because when it does end, it's amazing. we cherish things, we see the world in a new light. or so we say.

there is a lot of pain in my life. a lot of experiences which shaped, defined, molded me into the person i am today. i know that i have a long time left in front of me, filled with heartbreaks i can't possibly imagine. but at this point in time i hope i've seen the worst this world can offer.

when we meet someone for the first time, we don't ask them about their pain. we don't inquire to their worst experiences. it is only through knowing and speaking to people that we let them in enough to see our flaws and that they in turn hand us a key to their personal vault of imperfections. and when you get to know someone, it can open your eyes to an entirely new world of pain.

i have a gift or a curse depending on the day. i have an ability for attracting people to me who see me as a rung on their ladder upwards. i'm covered in the greasy hand prints of people clawing their way past me; covered in footprints of those wanting more than i can give. and it sucks sometimes, until i see where those people are and know that i had a small hand in that.

but i feel like this could be an exception. i feel like the words you continue to string together so smoothly are sincere. i know i may be naive, i know deep down inside that i am a horrible judge of character. but i feel that you could be a turning point for me.

i trust you. more than i'm willing to say aloud, more then i have trusted someone in a long time. i want to tell you things, to share, to be totally honest. and as much as i try, i still hold things back. i know that a part of me always will, but i hope to soon learn how to minimize that part. you're a good person, as dark and twisted as you believe you are. and i wish i could open your eyes to the amazingness that is you.

regarding sleeping dragons

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regarding scrambled eggs

motivation is a double edged sword.

it's particularly deadly when you have something pressing, that you know you need to get done, and you have no motivation to do it. and sadly, have the motivation to get a million other small insignificant things done instead.

which is another problem with motivation. it can mask itself as procrastination far too easily. you feel like you're accomplishing something, and like you're getting things done. but in reality, you have just stalled of doing that one thing in order to accomplish a lot of things instead.

the trick is direction; is path; is purpose.

it's not possible to stay one hundred percent on track every moment. we as humans falter, we trip. we look at the path someone else is on and think "oh, nice path." and change directions. we cut down trees and jump over walls to get onto paths we think will make us happy. we run blindly into paths that make our hearts race and our minds forget where we came from. we get scraped, we get burned, we get hurt. but we can also be healed, be loved, be happy.

and maybe that's the entire point of the path. that every wall, every tree, every burn, every love; they're all just masking the path burned out for us. we only think we have control, we only think we make the choice. maybe, every way we try to move off our directions, the directions have previously morphed to show you the right way to go.

everything is not pre-determined. occurrences do not happen for some golden reason. but maybe instead of looking back and regretting, we should look back and rejoice about the fact that sometimes, we made the right choice and that the wrong choice ended up bringing us to here.

there is no backspace for life, no grammatical checks for conversation. no editor can correct our mistakes before publishing. and i think that may be the point. we have to learn to make the mistakes boldly, to lear from them, before we can learn the right way of doing things.


and thats the thing about motivation. maybe we feel motivated to do the wrong things. maybe our minds are consciously showing us how to make mistakes and to learn from them.

which has led me to sitting eating scrambled eggs with a clean kitchen, bedroom and completed notes, and with an essay due tomorrow unfinished and barely started.

A new blog?

Starting tomorrow I'm going to do this up right.

A post a day. Even if what I have to say is ridiculous.

Nothing too personal, nothing about other people unless I get their permission.
Just inspiring things, pictures, and thoughts throughout the day.

Wish me luck

L