regarding the alphabet

there are conversations that have too much power.

simple words can make your throat clench, your eyes water, your lungs stop working. misunderstandings can result in pain, heartache, misery. arguments can end in hurt feelings, in confusion. someones simple thoughts can cause hours of tears and wondering, when put into words.

other speeches can make your heart soar, your mind race, your body vibrate with excitement. someones kind compliment can send you in to waves of giddy giggles, into smiles, into pure joy. a well placed word can turn someones day around, can change a persons life.

but they are just words.

i'm a person who thrives on words. on thought, speech, lists, thinking. i'm not a doer. i will worry, and send myself into anxiety ridden downward spirals at someones joke. one wrong word and i can lead my thoughts down dark and twisted paths of self doubt and terror. the lack of words can do the same thing to my mind.

conversely, a single good word can send my thoughts soaring. my mind will bend and manipulate the most innocent compliment into a profession of emotion, a thoughtless pun becomes my dreams and goals.

and i'm quick. it's something i've taught myself and learned from others. i'm witty, and sarcastic, and i have a mean streak in me with a lot of potential. so i can spin words knowing they'll have a certain effect. i can make statements that cut people, twist words into biting remarks that leave people questioning and unsure. i can force others to be positive, be cheerful, accept their own greatness. but i also have within me the ability to make people doubt, and question and fear.

it's not the best way to live, but it's a way i've lived for so long it's hard to break the habit. it's hard to stop myself from jumping to conclusions, assuming the worst, over reacting. i have a long history of experience to draw from, and it's been years forming my thought patterns and ideas. i'm trying to learn, trying to change, but i know that it's going to take longer than i expect; longer than i want.

so i wait, and i try, and i learn.
and sometimes, the words don't hit me as hard.

sometimes, i accept them as just words.