regarding the circulatory system

i've travelled far to get here. a long, winding path to get to the point i'm at currently. but i know i have a long way to go to be where i want to be.

home is where the heart is. should i set up my tent in my ribcage? or focus on the blood pumping in my wrists and neck... and what if i left my heart in san francisco? and what of when my heart skips a beat? or when the heart is indecisive and jumps around from person to person. am i nomadic?

i can't think straight when i can't sleep, and it's hard to sleep without you here.

there is no rule book for how to survive. there are no guidelines, no road map for what the next step is. i make lists. compulsively, i list out "things i need to do" "people i need to re-connect with" "pairs of socks by colour" "places i can go to in a snow emergency". stupid lists, but i need order, i crave a clearly defined set of rules, guidelines, whatever to be able to better comprehend things. the hardest part for me, bar none, has been what happens next. because i can't list it out, i can't map out where i will be in a year, in a month, in a day, in an hour. i just have to hold on and struggle, strive to be where i WANT to be, who i WANT to be in that time. the hardest thing is accepting that i have to make the choices. and sometimes, that means asking for help; sometimes that means taking four steps back to take one on the right path. sometimes it means completely turning around to find out i was where i wanted to be fifteen steps back, and how do i get there again? sometimes it means saying "i'm over it". sometimes it means striving to mean it.

i just wonder why. that's the root of humanity's problem right there. we question. everything. nothing can be taken at face value, we never accept the extraordinary, we run and fight and argue until the extraordinary is plain and simply defined.

i wish i was different. more flexible and accepting of the faults in myself and others. more understanding of the world as a whole. more easy-going and laid back. i wish i could be less strict and ordered. i wish i could survive without definition. but i can't. and while a part of me resents my need for order, a part of me loves it. that part of me that hopes to be the person you see in me. the person you love. the person you want around. i know i can be better, but there's a part of me that is happy right where i am, if the person you see now is a person you want to be around.

we all fight our own expectations of things. the world, people, ourselves. it's human nature i think to rebel against our limits, to push until we break through our barriers and come out the other side, past what we thought was the possible. some people are content to sit at the line of their abilities, to accept the status quo and love their own personal limit. some people are happy to push and set the bar higher and higher than they know they are capable of reaching. some people set no bar.

i want to be that person who stops expecting things to turn out a specific way. i crave chaos and spontaneity and disorder. and when met with it, i am terrified and demand structure. you see a side of me and make me meet the things i'm scared of. you hold my hand through the dark and the parts i hate about myself and force me to deal with it another way. i miss you being there to constantly ruin my schedule and order, to force me to be more easy-going. part of what i love about you is your ability to bring out a better me. how selfish does that sound...and yet it's true. you're very nature, everything about you is undefinable. and i love it. i can't understand how or why, i just know it.

maybe thats the very idea of love though. maybe we are supposed to find the person we can't understand because it make it that much more magical and confusing and horrible and wonderful all at the same time when we need to adapt our very definitions to try to understand another. maybe the people we're going to be happiest with are the people who inspire us to stop setting expectations for others and start loving the confusion.

and i may not understand. i may never understand. i just know, if home is really where the heart is, i want to be home with you.