regarding sailing

people can help you.

doctors, surgeons, lawyers; these people can save your life, your very existence. and they have studied, and worked, and tried so hard to get to a point that they can spend the rest of their lives helping others. they have spent countless hours laying awake at night working, worrying, struggling to reach the point they are at now. it takes a special kind of person to do something so time consuming and stressful on a day to day basis. waking up and being responsible for someone's life, that takes effort.

but what about the rest of us? it dawned on me today how much we as humans rely on interaction. maybe there's only one person, maybe there is a network, but we throw our selves on the mercy of other people. instead of thinking we can love ourselves, we search for someone to loves us and to love in return. instead of smiling, laughing, we seek ways to entertain ourselves, we hunt for something to cause joy.

and some people, we rely on to save us. we hold at them, clutch them, climb and fight to stay near them in times of need. some people we run to crying, we yell at, in an attempt to save ourselves from pain, from heartache, from reality.

and it must be stressful. it must be hard to wake up and know that someone loves you, wants you, needs you. it must be trying to be someone's entire support system.

i try hard not to sink. i buy water-wings, and take lessons in an attempt to keep myself afloat. sometimes, i get hit by a tide that knocks me under. and when i do, i hate accepting a life raft. i struggle and kick against the current on my own, even when i get sucked deeper.

i spent years and years getting pulled to the very bottom of the sea, refusing the hands that were offered until i eventually got so deep i couldn't see them. i became a creature of the dark, yet fooled everyone who saw me into thinking i was swimming fine.

i have learned. i know that no one can stay afloat forever. i know, deep down, that at times the current will sweep you away if you don't have an anchor. and sometimes, it's good to have a million anchors keeping you solid in a storm. i know that the waves will get so rocky you need to hold on to a boat, any boat, just long enough to see yourself through the storm.

i heard somewhere once that no one should ever be ashamed to cry; from the very beginning it has been a sign that you are alive. and yet i still turn away, i still scrape furiously at the emotion which can come from me. i still refuse to let people see me down.

and i am trying. i am forcing myself to hold onto you through this, though i know it is unfair to you. i am forcing myself to be open and let it out, though i know deep down that is probably not what you want.

people need to be human. and i am trying to be better at it.