there are conversations that have too much power.
simple words can make your throat clench, your eyes water, your lungs stop working. misunderstandings can result in pain, heartache, misery. arguments can end in hurt feelings, in confusion. someones simple thoughts can cause hours of tears and wondering, when put into words.
other speeches can make your heart soar, your mind race, your body vibrate with excitement. someones kind compliment can send you in to waves of giddy giggles, into smiles, into pure joy. a well placed word can turn someones day around, can change a persons life.
but they are just words.
i'm a person who thrives on words. on thought, speech, lists, thinking. i'm not a doer. i will worry, and send myself into anxiety ridden downward spirals at someones joke. one wrong word and i can lead my thoughts down dark and twisted paths of self doubt and terror. the lack of words can do the same thing to my mind.
conversely, a single good word can send my thoughts soaring. my mind will bend and manipulate the most innocent compliment into a profession of emotion, a thoughtless pun becomes my dreams and goals.
and i'm quick. it's something i've taught myself and learned from others. i'm witty, and sarcastic, and i have a mean streak in me with a lot of potential. so i can spin words knowing they'll have a certain effect. i can make statements that cut people, twist words into biting remarks that leave people questioning and unsure. i can force others to be positive, be cheerful, accept their own greatness. but i also have within me the ability to make people doubt, and question and fear.
it's not the best way to live, but it's a way i've lived for so long it's hard to break the habit. it's hard to stop myself from jumping to conclusions, assuming the worst, over reacting. i have a long history of experience to draw from, and it's been years forming my thought patterns and ideas. i'm trying to learn, trying to change, but i know that it's going to take longer than i expect; longer than i want.
so i wait, and i try, and i learn.
and sometimes, the words don't hit me as hard.
sometimes, i accept them as just words.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
regarding continents
simple things impress me.
technology and how far humanity has brought it, nature and how much we have manipulated it, people and how influential they can be. in the grand scheme of things, the universe, multiple galaxies scheme of things, our entire human history is nothing. we've changed and evolved and grown so much, affected so much on our own planet, but when thinking about things at an eternal level, humanity is but a blip on that timeline.
i am a person easily effected by others. daily occurences, misunderstandings, jokes, statements, it all seems to influence me. and i paused a moment today to consider the chinese theory. my brother explained this as "no matter what happens to you, good or bad, there are approximately a billion chinese people who have no idea you even exist". while considering this i ran with the idea, to "holy crap, i'm completely insignificant". and in a way, that's very freeing.
just think of all the pain and suffering we perpetuate as humans. the mis-understood comment that caused anguish and depression; the punch which broke someones nose; years of intentional pain and wars and struggle. all of it is really just a speck in terms of the universal timeline.
theres something comforting in knowing that i can sturggle and work and change the world and it will still continue on after me. we as a species could destroy our planet, and every living thing on it, and the galaxies and stars and planets will still go on spinning as they always have.
and yet still, people consider themselves before others. it's natural to worry about the needs of yourself and those you love before those of the collective. it's human nature to want safety and happiness for yourself and those you're close to.
even thinking about the chinese theory, i know i personally will continue on as i always have. because it's not the world or the universes opinion that dictates my thoughts and actions. it's my own. and i know i can do better, i know i want to push myself farther and harder to make myself proud. i know i personally don't want to cause people harm, or ruin the lives of those around me.
and really, why consider the opinion of a billion people before the opinion of myself?
i want to experience things, travel, see things i've never seen before. i want to learn, to study hard and be amazed by the world around me. i want to speak and write eloquently and with conviciton. i want to have friends and family i trust and value, i want to be happy.
i am proud of who i am becoming.
and i don't care if a billion chinese people never know how or that i lived.
the point is, i want to know i did.
technology and how far humanity has brought it, nature and how much we have manipulated it, people and how influential they can be. in the grand scheme of things, the universe, multiple galaxies scheme of things, our entire human history is nothing. we've changed and evolved and grown so much, affected so much on our own planet, but when thinking about things at an eternal level, humanity is but a blip on that timeline.
i am a person easily effected by others. daily occurences, misunderstandings, jokes, statements, it all seems to influence me. and i paused a moment today to consider the chinese theory. my brother explained this as "no matter what happens to you, good or bad, there are approximately a billion chinese people who have no idea you even exist". while considering this i ran with the idea, to "holy crap, i'm completely insignificant". and in a way, that's very freeing.
just think of all the pain and suffering we perpetuate as humans. the mis-understood comment that caused anguish and depression; the punch which broke someones nose; years of intentional pain and wars and struggle. all of it is really just a speck in terms of the universal timeline.
theres something comforting in knowing that i can sturggle and work and change the world and it will still continue on after me. we as a species could destroy our planet, and every living thing on it, and the galaxies and stars and planets will still go on spinning as they always have.
and yet still, people consider themselves before others. it's natural to worry about the needs of yourself and those you love before those of the collective. it's human nature to want safety and happiness for yourself and those you're close to.
even thinking about the chinese theory, i know i personally will continue on as i always have. because it's not the world or the universes opinion that dictates my thoughts and actions. it's my own. and i know i can do better, i know i want to push myself farther and harder to make myself proud. i know i personally don't want to cause people harm, or ruin the lives of those around me.
and really, why consider the opinion of a billion people before the opinion of myself?
i want to experience things, travel, see things i've never seen before. i want to learn, to study hard and be amazed by the world around me. i want to speak and write eloquently and with conviciton. i want to have friends and family i trust and value, i want to be happy.
i am proud of who i am becoming.
and i don't care if a billion chinese people never know how or that i lived.
the point is, i want to know i did.
Friday, June 4, 2010
regarding smallness
growing up can be strange.
maturing and gaining responsibilities in your life is sometimes a frightening experience. it consistently shocks me when i realize how old i am. i think about my ten year old self. the young girl who thought that 16 was the be all and end all of life. that no matter what, 16 was the start of adulthood, was the touchstone for a new and better place. and then i was sixteen. and realized that fuck no, it was not at all adulthood, but 18 probably would be.
and now i am 20. and it is getting harder and harder to justify that my adult life is still on the horizon.
i am growing up, maturing, blossoming into the person i want to be. i plan things in advance, think about my life in the future. i am being more and more responsible with myself and my choices. i work, full time, and a part-time job to stay afloat. i go to bed at a reasonable hour, i save and invest in my future, i pay for my tuition.
people rush into aging. as a child, most people want to grow up, be big, age and become an adult. setting the rules for yourself looks amazing from the height of four feet; controlling what you eat, do and when you go to sleep seems like the most perfect thing to a young child. and as you grow, new responsibilities are added to your life. you have homework, then a job, then a school and rent, then possibly another person, then more people you are in charge of. and suddenly, eating what someone else tells you is "good for you" doesn't seem like such a bad option. having to go to bed at 7:30 on a school night seems like a good plan as you work on the 9th essay you have due in a month at 4 in the morning. someone to look after you and take care of you and make sure your safe seems like a pretty great way to live.
hindsight is 20/20, and looking back it's hard to remember what was so awful about having the responsibilities of a child. yes children can be mean, and some people where tortured by others as children. cuts and scrapes and the harsh words of peers can fog the bliss that was childhood for many. but when you think about it, it's hard to really consider a life of school, sleep and friends as so difficult when you suddenly need to grow up.
i know i'm not completely independent and worldly. i've never been to far flung countries, seen the other ocean, spoken to someone who valued clean water as gold. i still have a lot of growing up to do. but i also know that i look around at friends and peers my age who have nothing together. and i feel glad for my neurosis, proud of my obsession with planning and lists. because i know what i want to do and what i need to do to get there.
the experiences in my life have shaped me irrevocably into the person i am today. i crave approval like oxygen, respond harshly to criticism; i plan plan plan and panic when those plans don't work out to the letter. i shut myself off from the world when i am dealing with problems, i don't like to cry in front of people. i list things out all the time, even my own attributes and character flaws for the world to see. and i'm learning how to talk, to open up, to speak my mind. i made a vow to myself years ago that i would never stand quietly while the world went by. i would yell, scream, speak out about what was happening to me.
and as i grow up, i'm realizing and learning how to do that.
and spending my money on a megaphone.
maturing and gaining responsibilities in your life is sometimes a frightening experience. it consistently shocks me when i realize how old i am. i think about my ten year old self. the young girl who thought that 16 was the be all and end all of life. that no matter what, 16 was the start of adulthood, was the touchstone for a new and better place. and then i was sixteen. and realized that fuck no, it was not at all adulthood, but 18 probably would be.
and now i am 20. and it is getting harder and harder to justify that my adult life is still on the horizon.
i am growing up, maturing, blossoming into the person i want to be. i plan things in advance, think about my life in the future. i am being more and more responsible with myself and my choices. i work, full time, and a part-time job to stay afloat. i go to bed at a reasonable hour, i save and invest in my future, i pay for my tuition.
people rush into aging. as a child, most people want to grow up, be big, age and become an adult. setting the rules for yourself looks amazing from the height of four feet; controlling what you eat, do and when you go to sleep seems like the most perfect thing to a young child. and as you grow, new responsibilities are added to your life. you have homework, then a job, then a school and rent, then possibly another person, then more people you are in charge of. and suddenly, eating what someone else tells you is "good for you" doesn't seem like such a bad option. having to go to bed at 7:30 on a school night seems like a good plan as you work on the 9th essay you have due in a month at 4 in the morning. someone to look after you and take care of you and make sure your safe seems like a pretty great way to live.
hindsight is 20/20, and looking back it's hard to remember what was so awful about having the responsibilities of a child. yes children can be mean, and some people where tortured by others as children. cuts and scrapes and the harsh words of peers can fog the bliss that was childhood for many. but when you think about it, it's hard to really consider a life of school, sleep and friends as so difficult when you suddenly need to grow up.
i know i'm not completely independent and worldly. i've never been to far flung countries, seen the other ocean, spoken to someone who valued clean water as gold. i still have a lot of growing up to do. but i also know that i look around at friends and peers my age who have nothing together. and i feel glad for my neurosis, proud of my obsession with planning and lists. because i know what i want to do and what i need to do to get there.
the experiences in my life have shaped me irrevocably into the person i am today. i crave approval like oxygen, respond harshly to criticism; i plan plan plan and panic when those plans don't work out to the letter. i shut myself off from the world when i am dealing with problems, i don't like to cry in front of people. i list things out all the time, even my own attributes and character flaws for the world to see. and i'm learning how to talk, to open up, to speak my mind. i made a vow to myself years ago that i would never stand quietly while the world went by. i would yell, scream, speak out about what was happening to me.
and as i grow up, i'm realizing and learning how to do that.
and spending my money on a megaphone.
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