regarding heroes

the result of a lot of years ends up in a list.

89 years of living life to arguably the fullest possible extent is written into a page. an entire existence, summed up in four paragraphs.

if i'm half the person he was, i hope to deserve a quarter of his page.

my family is humble. we're not loud about our accomplishments, none of us ever has been. we handle things with a certain grace and dignity. that was learned from him.

in 89 years, i never knew he worked on the apollo 13 rescue.
in 89 years, i never knew how significant his patents were.
in 89 years, i never knew about his involvement in his community.

because he never bragged. he was never vocal about all that he had done. he was a quiet, wonderful man. he left his work away from us all. he left his stories and adventures for appropriate times. he never made our times about his times, until we begged for him to. he never told us stories about him, until we pleaded with him to hear them.

but i did know he liked orange juice in the mornings. and cereal.
i did know that he liked to kiss my left cheek goodnight, and his kisses were always warm.
i did know that he read, voraciously, constantly.

because he was there. because my family is close. i saw him in the mornings, i saw him at night because we made the time to be together. i knew who he was because he gave us the opportunity to know him.

in 89 years, i knew his children. i knew what a man was capable of molding when he put forth the effort. i knew the magic behind physics. i knew how to figure out the angle and measurements of toy buildings. i knew things about space, i knew things about the earth, i knew things about people.

in 89 years i heard about adventure, and life, and thought, and science, and love. i heard about hijinks and bravery and courage and family. i heard about one man's adventures, and his impact on those around him. i heard his humour, his wit, and his intelligence in everything he did. i saw his loyalty and love.

because in 89 years, he lived. he lived more than anyone i've ever known.

my grandpa.

regarding machinery

understanding makes all the difference.

i work at an amazing job. a place where i am a valued member of a team, where my ideas are heard and put in to action, where the people i work with treat me as an equal and not a lesser. i work at a place where everyone is really good at being a human first and an employee/employer second. my job is stressful, and intense, i have a lot of responsobility and i enjoy it. but i enjoy the people i work with more than the job itself.

there are few if any office politics. people smile, and ask how others are doing. i am invited to lunch with the boss on a regular basis, i have a standing meeting every tuesday with everyone from the office and my ideas are generally welcomed and acted on in meetings. i am valued and appreciated as a functioning cog in the team, not a part off to the side.

so when i can't focus due to a personal crisis, when i sit dazed and confused, trying to work and trying to be aware and involved in what is going on with my family, my boss says "you're doing an amazing job here. if you need a day, feel free to take it. if you need a week feel free to take it."

sometimes, people are good.
i'm just glad i found the good ones to work for.

regarding mining

the busier i am the more i find myself enjoying things.

even the simplest things. a breeze, a hot, delicious cup of coffee. a nap. working as much as i have been, laying on the couch and drifting off has never been such a valuable commodity.

and i love it. i love coming home and being exhausted, i love coming from work and being stressed and working hard, i love planning out free time so i can make use of it. this is the perfect environment for me, this work work work work. it feels good, right, comfortable.

and never before have i valued my friends understanding so much. with work, i am stressed. i come home from a long day of dealing with people's complaints, and researching, and consulting on projects, and i get home and the people there understand that i need time to relax and not think. for half an hour, they let me have my peace to stop thinking about the projects i've spent the day on.

and it reminds me of how incredible people can be. of how they can pick up on subtle cues, on thoughts, even when no one articulates them. of how a sigh can mean so much more, a yawn can be indicitive of an extreme emotion, silence can speak volumes. and we pick up and interpret these actions, and more often than not can realize their deeper meaning.

we all rely on people. some more than others, and a lot of the time for different things. but i am finding the simplest things can mean the most. a smile, a simple "have a good day", relinquishing the remote for a half an hour so someone can veg out.

i sometimes forget how significant the people around me are to my overall self. as a favourite writer once wrote, people are "the combined efforts of everyone [they] know". and it's true.

friends can be rocks.
and not just in the "granite" sense of the word.

i have people in my life who constantly support me. unflinchingly, unquestioningly, in a "who do you need killed" sort of way. friends who would rage and fight for me, friend who would hold me while i screamed and kicked at them to let me go. but i also have friends who would perform random acts of intense caring, who would pick me up on a hot day so i don't die riding my bike home. friends who will get me a glass of water when they see me melting in the soaring heat. i have friends who will quietly sit next to me, just being there so i'm not alone.

my point is, friends are just like people. only more special. just because someone is not loud in their friendship does not mean they are any less important. just because a friend is calm and only there when you need them to be, does not make that person any less there. part of being a human is being unique, and being a better you than anyone else could be. and never have i valued that people will care in the way they see best, that people will be there for you in their own personal way, as i do in times of exhaustion.

i guess i'm trying to thank you. all of you. for the quiet company, the angry words, the rants on my behalf. for the hug when i needed it, and the unasked for icecream sandwhich. for a ride in the heat, for a laugh amidst the tears. thank you for all being exactly who you are.

pretty special people.

regarding performance

sometimes i'm good at acting.

i acted for years around people so i have a lot of practice.

surprisingly, the people who should recognize when i'm acting, don't.

i guess that makes me successful.

this sucks.

regarding the alphabet

there are conversations that have too much power.

simple words can make your throat clench, your eyes water, your lungs stop working. misunderstandings can result in pain, heartache, misery. arguments can end in hurt feelings, in confusion. someones simple thoughts can cause hours of tears and wondering, when put into words.

other speeches can make your heart soar, your mind race, your body vibrate with excitement. someones kind compliment can send you in to waves of giddy giggles, into smiles, into pure joy. a well placed word can turn someones day around, can change a persons life.

but they are just words.

i'm a person who thrives on words. on thought, speech, lists, thinking. i'm not a doer. i will worry, and send myself into anxiety ridden downward spirals at someones joke. one wrong word and i can lead my thoughts down dark and twisted paths of self doubt and terror. the lack of words can do the same thing to my mind.

conversely, a single good word can send my thoughts soaring. my mind will bend and manipulate the most innocent compliment into a profession of emotion, a thoughtless pun becomes my dreams and goals.

and i'm quick. it's something i've taught myself and learned from others. i'm witty, and sarcastic, and i have a mean streak in me with a lot of potential. so i can spin words knowing they'll have a certain effect. i can make statements that cut people, twist words into biting remarks that leave people questioning and unsure. i can force others to be positive, be cheerful, accept their own greatness. but i also have within me the ability to make people doubt, and question and fear.

it's not the best way to live, but it's a way i've lived for so long it's hard to break the habit. it's hard to stop myself from jumping to conclusions, assuming the worst, over reacting. i have a long history of experience to draw from, and it's been years forming my thought patterns and ideas. i'm trying to learn, trying to change, but i know that it's going to take longer than i expect; longer than i want.

so i wait, and i try, and i learn.
and sometimes, the words don't hit me as hard.

sometimes, i accept them as just words.

regarding continents

simple things impress me.

technology and how far humanity has brought it, nature and how much we have manipulated it, people and how influential they can be. in the grand scheme of things, the universe, multiple galaxies scheme of things, our entire human history is nothing. we've changed and evolved and grown so much, affected so much on our own planet, but when thinking about things at an eternal level, humanity is but a blip on that timeline.

i am a person easily effected by others. daily occurences, misunderstandings, jokes, statements, it all seems to influence me. and i paused a moment today to consider the chinese theory. my brother explained this as "no matter what happens to you, good or bad, there are approximately a billion chinese people who have no idea you even exist". while considering this i ran with the idea, to "holy crap, i'm completely insignificant". and in a way, that's very freeing.

just think of all the pain and suffering we perpetuate as humans. the mis-understood comment that caused anguish and depression; the punch which broke someones nose; years of intentional pain and wars and struggle. all of it is really just a speck in terms of the universal timeline.

theres something comforting in knowing that i can sturggle and work and change the world and it will still continue on after me. we as a species could destroy our planet, and every living thing on it, and the galaxies and stars and planets will still go on spinning as they always have.

and yet still, people consider themselves before others. it's natural to worry about the needs of yourself and those you love before those of the collective. it's human nature to want safety and happiness for yourself and those you're close to.

even thinking about the chinese theory, i know i personally will continue on as i always have. because it's not the world or the universes opinion that dictates my thoughts and actions. it's my own. and i know i can do better, i know i want to push myself farther and harder to make myself proud. i know i personally don't want to cause people harm, or ruin the lives of those around me.

and really, why consider the opinion of a billion people before the opinion of myself?

i want to experience things, travel, see things i've never seen before. i want to learn, to study hard and be amazed by the world around me. i want to speak and write eloquently and with conviciton. i want to have friends and family i trust and value, i want to be happy.

i am proud of who i am becoming.
and i don't care if a billion chinese people never know how or that i lived.
the point is, i want to know i did.

regarding smallness

growing up can be strange.

maturing and gaining responsibilities in your life is sometimes a frightening experience. it consistently shocks me when i realize how old i am. i think about my ten year old self. the young girl who thought that 16 was the be all and end all of life. that no matter what, 16 was the start of adulthood, was the touchstone for a new and better place. and then i was sixteen. and realized that fuck no, it was not at all adulthood, but 18 probably would be.

and now i am 20. and it is getting harder and harder to justify that my adult life is still on the horizon.

i am growing up, maturing, blossoming into the person i want to be. i plan things in advance, think about my life in the future. i am being more and more responsible with myself and my choices. i work, full time, and a part-time job to stay afloat. i go to bed at a reasonable hour, i save and invest in my future, i pay for my tuition.

people rush into aging. as a child, most people want to grow up, be big, age and become an adult. setting the rules for yourself looks amazing from the height of four feet; controlling what you eat, do and when you go to sleep seems like the most perfect thing to a young child. and as you grow, new responsibilities are added to your life. you have homework, then a job, then a school and rent, then possibly another person, then more people you are in charge of. and suddenly, eating what someone else tells you is "good for you" doesn't seem like such a bad option. having to go to bed at 7:30 on a school night seems like a good plan as you work on the 9th essay you have due in a month at 4 in the morning. someone to look after you and take care of you and make sure your safe seems like a pretty great way to live.

hindsight is 20/20, and looking back it's hard to remember what was so awful about having the responsibilities of a child. yes children can be mean, and some people where tortured by others as children. cuts and scrapes and the harsh words of peers can fog the bliss that was childhood for many. but when you think about it, it's hard to really consider a life of school, sleep and friends as so difficult when you suddenly need to grow up.

i know i'm not completely independent and worldly. i've never been to far flung countries, seen the other ocean, spoken to someone who valued clean water as gold. i still have a lot of growing up to do. but i also know that i look around at friends and peers my age who have nothing together. and i feel glad for my neurosis, proud of my obsession with planning and lists. because i know what i want to do and what i need to do to get there.

the experiences in my life have shaped me irrevocably into the person i am today. i crave approval like oxygen, respond harshly to criticism; i plan plan plan and panic when those plans don't work out to the letter. i shut myself off from the world when i am dealing with problems, i don't like to cry in front of people. i list things out all the time, even my own attributes and character flaws for the world to see. and i'm learning how to talk, to open up, to speak my mind. i made a vow to myself years ago that i would never stand quietly while the world went by. i would yell, scream, speak out about what was happening to me.

and as i grow up, i'm realizing and learning how to do that.
and spending my money on a megaphone.