regarding heroes

the result of a lot of years ends up in a list.

89 years of living life to arguably the fullest possible extent is written into a page. an entire existence, summed up in four paragraphs.

if i'm half the person he was, i hope to deserve a quarter of his page.

my family is humble. we're not loud about our accomplishments, none of us ever has been. we handle things with a certain grace and dignity. that was learned from him.

in 89 years, i never knew he worked on the apollo 13 rescue.
in 89 years, i never knew how significant his patents were.
in 89 years, i never knew about his involvement in his community.

because he never bragged. he was never vocal about all that he had done. he was a quiet, wonderful man. he left his work away from us all. he left his stories and adventures for appropriate times. he never made our times about his times, until we begged for him to. he never told us stories about him, until we pleaded with him to hear them.

but i did know he liked orange juice in the mornings. and cereal.
i did know that he liked to kiss my left cheek goodnight, and his kisses were always warm.
i did know that he read, voraciously, constantly.

because he was there. because my family is close. i saw him in the mornings, i saw him at night because we made the time to be together. i knew who he was because he gave us the opportunity to know him.

in 89 years, i knew his children. i knew what a man was capable of molding when he put forth the effort. i knew the magic behind physics. i knew how to figure out the angle and measurements of toy buildings. i knew things about space, i knew things about the earth, i knew things about people.

in 89 years i heard about adventure, and life, and thought, and science, and love. i heard about hijinks and bravery and courage and family. i heard about one man's adventures, and his impact on those around him. i heard his humour, his wit, and his intelligence in everything he did. i saw his loyalty and love.

because in 89 years, he lived. he lived more than anyone i've ever known.

my grandpa.

regarding machinery

understanding makes all the difference.

i work at an amazing job. a place where i am a valued member of a team, where my ideas are heard and put in to action, where the people i work with treat me as an equal and not a lesser. i work at a place where everyone is really good at being a human first and an employee/employer second. my job is stressful, and intense, i have a lot of responsobility and i enjoy it. but i enjoy the people i work with more than the job itself.

there are few if any office politics. people smile, and ask how others are doing. i am invited to lunch with the boss on a regular basis, i have a standing meeting every tuesday with everyone from the office and my ideas are generally welcomed and acted on in meetings. i am valued and appreciated as a functioning cog in the team, not a part off to the side.

so when i can't focus due to a personal crisis, when i sit dazed and confused, trying to work and trying to be aware and involved in what is going on with my family, my boss says "you're doing an amazing job here. if you need a day, feel free to take it. if you need a week feel free to take it."

sometimes, people are good.
i'm just glad i found the good ones to work for.

regarding mining

the busier i am the more i find myself enjoying things.

even the simplest things. a breeze, a hot, delicious cup of coffee. a nap. working as much as i have been, laying on the couch and drifting off has never been such a valuable commodity.

and i love it. i love coming home and being exhausted, i love coming from work and being stressed and working hard, i love planning out free time so i can make use of it. this is the perfect environment for me, this work work work work. it feels good, right, comfortable.

and never before have i valued my friends understanding so much. with work, i am stressed. i come home from a long day of dealing with people's complaints, and researching, and consulting on projects, and i get home and the people there understand that i need time to relax and not think. for half an hour, they let me have my peace to stop thinking about the projects i've spent the day on.

and it reminds me of how incredible people can be. of how they can pick up on subtle cues, on thoughts, even when no one articulates them. of how a sigh can mean so much more, a yawn can be indicitive of an extreme emotion, silence can speak volumes. and we pick up and interpret these actions, and more often than not can realize their deeper meaning.

we all rely on people. some more than others, and a lot of the time for different things. but i am finding the simplest things can mean the most. a smile, a simple "have a good day", relinquishing the remote for a half an hour so someone can veg out.

i sometimes forget how significant the people around me are to my overall self. as a favourite writer once wrote, people are "the combined efforts of everyone [they] know". and it's true.

friends can be rocks.
and not just in the "granite" sense of the word.

i have people in my life who constantly support me. unflinchingly, unquestioningly, in a "who do you need killed" sort of way. friends who would rage and fight for me, friend who would hold me while i screamed and kicked at them to let me go. but i also have friends who would perform random acts of intense caring, who would pick me up on a hot day so i don't die riding my bike home. friends who will get me a glass of water when they see me melting in the soaring heat. i have friends who will quietly sit next to me, just being there so i'm not alone.

my point is, friends are just like people. only more special. just because someone is not loud in their friendship does not mean they are any less important. just because a friend is calm and only there when you need them to be, does not make that person any less there. part of being a human is being unique, and being a better you than anyone else could be. and never have i valued that people will care in the way they see best, that people will be there for you in their own personal way, as i do in times of exhaustion.

i guess i'm trying to thank you. all of you. for the quiet company, the angry words, the rants on my behalf. for the hug when i needed it, and the unasked for icecream sandwhich. for a ride in the heat, for a laugh amidst the tears. thank you for all being exactly who you are.

pretty special people.

regarding performance

sometimes i'm good at acting.

i acted for years around people so i have a lot of practice.

surprisingly, the people who should recognize when i'm acting, don't.

i guess that makes me successful.

this sucks.