there is an old saying that goes something along the lines of "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade"
i have no idea where i'm going with this, but that thought has been running through my head all day.
hard work sucks. it's called hard for a reason. while university is not that difficult if you know what your doing, the thing that kills everyone is time management. i have said often that my tuition doesn't teach me anything except how to better schedule.
because education is re-learning things. over and over and over again until it sticks. yes, you will be exposed to new and glorious things at a school that you have never learned. and yes, it's true that people find themselves and learn more about who they are as people. but the only lessons of any value that any school has taught me is how to communicate and that spitting on people is frowned on.
and then university, where i had to completely re-learn how to learn and how to manage my time. i was forced into scheduling, into planning ahead, into giving myself ample time to complete assignments. and i sucked at it.
it was a huge blow to my ego, after coming from such a small town where i coasted through doing nothing and managing high grades. suddenly, the things i was learning where the exact same, but the level i was expected to perform at was heightened. instead of a 3 page paper i could write out in a few hours, i was expected to research for a ten page monster. due in a week.
and then i got better. i slowly learned how to manage my wants and needs and school work, i began to realize i could survive and even overcome the challenges of time management.
and i found an ugly side to myself i didn't know i had. a judgmental, mean, snide little nugget of myself which suddenly reared it's ugly head. "if i can do this, why can't other people?" and suddenly, i found myself thinking i was superior and better than the people around me for not staying up until 5 in the morning to finish a paper.
this year has changed me. i have become more independent than i realized i could be. i have forced myself to be more accepting of the flaws in myself and in others. i have realized that i have a problem with organization and i can not always articulate my feelings well. i still snap on people, i still get too snarky from time to time. and a lot of the time, i bottle up what's upsetting me; move on, move through it until it is no longer an issue.
and maybe that's what my tuition is really going towards. maybe the goal isn't to learn things, but to learn more about who you are. maybe university is just a really expensive, lengthy therapy session designed to through our weaknesses in our face and flaunt them for the world to see. instead of worrying about the information i am actually receiving, 90% of my time is spent on the work and worrying about whether my thoughts and actions regarding classes will be well received.
if that's truly the case? i think i want my money back.
because i know a guy down the street who will tell you exactly who you are for about $50.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
regarding felines
sometimes curiosity is hard. it keeps you up at night and can have you questioning things you would otherwise ignore.
we're told from a young age to not ask questions, to look before we leap, that curiosity killed the cat. and i wonder how much of that is meant to deter us, and how much of it is meant to make us rebel.
as a child, i was a rule follower. i asked nicely for permission to do things, i said please and thank you. but i was one curious little person. instead of ever answering my inane questions with platitudes and simple stories, my father would take the time to explain things in great detail in the hope that i would remember it.
i clearly remember being a child and sitting on the dock listening to my dad describe the intricacies of an outboard boat motor versus and inboard-outboard.
however, we grow up. and as often as our parents are our guide for life as children, they drift away from us. the older we get, the more independent we try to be. the more we call our families less for the answers and more for their stories. the more we want less technical explanations.
living away from home, i have done my best to make my own family. as callous as it sounds, i have searched, spoken to and selected specific people who i want around me. it took me a long long time to realize that my curiosity could be satiated by the people i wanted around and not the people who knew what i was looking for. it took me a long time to realize that just because someone wants you around, does not mean you have to be there.
and perhaps i've been quick to judge. i will admit that i often jump to conclusions and see too much black and white. in my mind, shades of grey are a sign of indecisiveness and a lack of commitment.
but then, every once in a while these snap judgments force an amazing interaction with someone i would otherwise avoid.
i think humanity is meant to experience a wide range of things. i think that pain and suffering is probably the most important thing. while each person will suffer through different things, the universal emotion of pain or sorrow is something which hits people very commonly. it's almost a unifier.
but the pain can be so intense that at times, we wonder when it will stop, will end, will let up for long enough to breathe. we fight our way through what can seem unending. because when it does end, it's amazing. we cherish things, we see the world in a new light. or so we say.
there is a lot of pain in my life. a lot of experiences which shaped, defined, molded me into the person i am today. i know that i have a long time left in front of me, filled with heartbreaks i can't possibly imagine. but at this point in time i hope i've seen the worst this world can offer.
when we meet someone for the first time, we don't ask them about their pain. we don't inquire to their worst experiences. it is only through knowing and speaking to people that we let them in enough to see our flaws and that they in turn hand us a key to their personal vault of imperfections. and when you get to know someone, it can open your eyes to an entirely new world of pain.
i have a gift or a curse depending on the day. i have an ability for attracting people to me who see me as a rung on their ladder upwards. i'm covered in the greasy hand prints of people clawing their way past me; covered in footprints of those wanting more than i can give. and it sucks sometimes, until i see where those people are and know that i had a small hand in that.
but i feel like this could be an exception. i feel like the words you continue to string together so smoothly are sincere. i know i may be naive, i know deep down inside that i am a horrible judge of character. but i feel that you could be a turning point for me.
i trust you. more than i'm willing to say aloud, more then i have trusted someone in a long time. i want to tell you things, to share, to be totally honest. and as much as i try, i still hold things back. i know that a part of me always will, but i hope to soon learn how to minimize that part. you're a good person, as dark and twisted as you believe you are. and i wish i could open your eyes to the amazingness that is you.
we're told from a young age to not ask questions, to look before we leap, that curiosity killed the cat. and i wonder how much of that is meant to deter us, and how much of it is meant to make us rebel.
as a child, i was a rule follower. i asked nicely for permission to do things, i said please and thank you. but i was one curious little person. instead of ever answering my inane questions with platitudes and simple stories, my father would take the time to explain things in great detail in the hope that i would remember it.
i clearly remember being a child and sitting on the dock listening to my dad describe the intricacies of an outboard boat motor versus and inboard-outboard.
however, we grow up. and as often as our parents are our guide for life as children, they drift away from us. the older we get, the more independent we try to be. the more we call our families less for the answers and more for their stories. the more we want less technical explanations.
living away from home, i have done my best to make my own family. as callous as it sounds, i have searched, spoken to and selected specific people who i want around me. it took me a long long time to realize that my curiosity could be satiated by the people i wanted around and not the people who knew what i was looking for. it took me a long time to realize that just because someone wants you around, does not mean you have to be there.
and perhaps i've been quick to judge. i will admit that i often jump to conclusions and see too much black and white. in my mind, shades of grey are a sign of indecisiveness and a lack of commitment.
but then, every once in a while these snap judgments force an amazing interaction with someone i would otherwise avoid.
i think humanity is meant to experience a wide range of things. i think that pain and suffering is probably the most important thing. while each person will suffer through different things, the universal emotion of pain or sorrow is something which hits people very commonly. it's almost a unifier.
but the pain can be so intense that at times, we wonder when it will stop, will end, will let up for long enough to breathe. we fight our way through what can seem unending. because when it does end, it's amazing. we cherish things, we see the world in a new light. or so we say.
there is a lot of pain in my life. a lot of experiences which shaped, defined, molded me into the person i am today. i know that i have a long time left in front of me, filled with heartbreaks i can't possibly imagine. but at this point in time i hope i've seen the worst this world can offer.
when we meet someone for the first time, we don't ask them about their pain. we don't inquire to their worst experiences. it is only through knowing and speaking to people that we let them in enough to see our flaws and that they in turn hand us a key to their personal vault of imperfections. and when you get to know someone, it can open your eyes to an entirely new world of pain.
i have a gift or a curse depending on the day. i have an ability for attracting people to me who see me as a rung on their ladder upwards. i'm covered in the greasy hand prints of people clawing their way past me; covered in footprints of those wanting more than i can give. and it sucks sometimes, until i see where those people are and know that i had a small hand in that.
but i feel like this could be an exception. i feel like the words you continue to string together so smoothly are sincere. i know i may be naive, i know deep down inside that i am a horrible judge of character. but i feel that you could be a turning point for me.
i trust you. more than i'm willing to say aloud, more then i have trusted someone in a long time. i want to tell you things, to share, to be totally honest. and as much as i try, i still hold things back. i know that a part of me always will, but i hope to soon learn how to minimize that part. you're a good person, as dark and twisted as you believe you are. and i wish i could open your eyes to the amazingness that is you.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
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